Overall Rating
  Awesome: 24.67%
Worth A Look: 26.43%
Just Average: 26.43%
Pretty Crappy: 13.22%
Sucks: 9.25%
12 reviews, 155 user ratings
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| Mummy, The (1999) |
by the Grinch
"Hey Look! Universal made an $80,000,000 Allan Quatermain movie!"
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You've heard all the hype and the pre-marketing..."It's like Raiders of the Lost Ark!"...umm, NO! I don't quite see it...more like 'Jake Speed' or 'Amazon Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death'. "Oooh, it's got a damsel in distress, a dashing stud, and an exotic desert locale...it's just like IJ!" A)"The Mummy" is more "Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold" than Indiana Jones, and B)The only thing remotely similar to the Indy films is maybe the budget...and guess who spent their money more wisely...well, obviously not me!The Mummy tries to be horror, tries to be clever and spoofy, tries to be action/adventure, but doesn't pull off any of them all that well.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I didn't enjoy anything about this movie. I thought Arnold Vosloo made a wonderful Mummy, some of the effects, especially the scenic ones, were excellent, the score by Jerry Goldsmith rocked, and it was just fun (I even liked the corny 'riding off into the sunset' tip-o-the-hat to the old serials). There were moments when I was actually enthralled by the narrative, particular the first 20 minutes or so, which displayed some awesome period designs, well placed CGI Scenery, and a fun desert battle scene. After that, things just pretty much fizzled out...
The CGI effects soon become more ill-conceived in many spots, the script reveals itself as not being as clever as was thought to be, and the characters become props for the zany antics of good ole Imhotep. Unlike Raiders or really any film that delivered, this movie doesn't flow and the humor is usually forced. The more I sat through this movie, the more I wished they would've decided what the focus was going to be. Am I asking too much? Maybe for Follywood.
And the computer generated effects, jumping jehovah on a pogo stick, the CGI CRAP in this film! I'm all for technological advances, but is it me, or has CGI become Hollywood's new Spruce Goose? Jeezus, it's like some brat kid with a lavishly expensive new toy, they just wanna show it off at each opportunity, not at the appropriate moments. There are things CGI is good for at this moment in development, and things it isn't good for. The film industry and the almighty George Lucas/ILM (non-respectively) need to learn this! I can envision it now (flashback sounds)...
Studio Exec 1:"Hey, maybe we should call in Dick Baker or Tom Savini or someone to do the first regeneration stage of the Mummy, yah think?"
Studio Exec 2:"Nahh, we payed for these multi-million dollar computer graphics workstations, and besides, we want the Mummy to look as goofy and unrealistic as possible so we can keep the Pg13 rating and make this our family movie cash cow."
Folks, really, I think I'm going to make a Japanese monster movie in which the CGi Mummy, the anorexic psuedo-Jabba from StarWars:Special Edition, that fucking toy-to-be monkey from Lost in Space,JarJarJinx, and that creepy dancing baby from Ally McBeal, well they all trash Tokyo. And the populace, instead of being paralyzed in terror, are paralyzed from laughter. Because, hey, Godzilla may just be a guy in a rubber suit smashing erector sets, but at least you know he's ACTUALLY THERE!
Brendan Frasier, as much as I can't hate you, please stick to George of the Jungle. Whoever said this movie should've had Bruce Campbell in the lead role deserves to be blown by a dozen Swedish stewardesses. BRUCE CAMPBELL WOULD'VE BEEN PERFECT FOR THIS!
One look at the rating tells you that Universal invested too much money in this tepid remake to make it a good movie. And be afraid, there's talk at Universal of making a sequel. I wanna have faith that they'd get it right the next time, but really, who gives a shit?!
Disappointing...this could've been a fresh and exciting remake of a classic film, but instead turned into a special fx bonanza for the "Aw Shucks" crowd. Fun in parts, but lackluster and definitely doesn't meet its potential. And why, dear Osiris, WHY did they give this to the guy who made "Deep Rising"?
Exec 1: "Hmmm, we've been having alot of bombs lately...we really need a money maker out there for 1999."
Exec 2: "Hey, retro seems to be in now. Since we haven't had any fresh ideas since EDDIE MURPHY was FUNNY, maybe we can redo one of our horror classics like the Mummy?"
Exec 1: "Yeah, great idea! Clive Barker and George Romero have already submitted some scripts!"
Exec 2: "Nah, too cerebral. How bout that Deep Rising/Jungle Book guy? Where's the company checkbook?"Remove your brain with a coat hanger, and you might love this. Myself, I'm going to go rent "Bram Stoker's the Mummy" starring that iconoclast of cinema excellence: Lou Gosset Jr. Moihahaha! I still give this 3 Scoobysnacks, because I love Egyptian mythos (and I use the term loosely in this instance).
link directly to this review at http://hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=439&reviewer=156
originally posted: 09/17/99 03:13:51
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USA
07-May-1999 (PG-13)
DVD: 29-Nov-2005
UK
N/A
Australia
24-Jun-1999 (M)
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