by William Goss and Jason Whyte
What if they opened a 'Grindhouse' and nobody came?
Our intent with “Pity Pity, Shame Shame” is to showcase those films whose deserving audience has somehow eluded them, your Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangs, your Fountains, and so forth, with a little less focus on what went wrong, and a little more on how – and why – you should make it right. In our inaugural entry, we tackle the opening weekend underperformance of the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino double-feature extravaganza, Grindhouse.
(There are some slight spoilers to follow. For those wary, our bottom line is: please go see it.)
Will: What's wrong with the world today?
Jay: Where to begin?
Will: Wild Hogs is up to, what, $145 million?
Jay $145 million of idiots. How many idiots is that?
Will: Too many.
Jay: 18,125,000 people, at an average $8 ticket.
Will: There, we have the single limpest, most uninspired "comedy" to hit a screen in many a moon.
Jay: That is still being yukked up in cinemas across North America, and why? WHY are people laughing at this movie?
Will: Meanwhile, a wholly original 3-hour R-rated moviegoing experience goes down the drain. You could chalk it up to a slow weekend. You could blame Christ.
Jay: But that doesn't explain why Blades of Glory made $22m in its second weekend. I can understand Meet The Robinsons as its digital 3-D release is doing well, and is getting repeat business. So that's not the problem.
Will: But after everybody and their uncle turns out for the equally R-rated 300, no one shows for this.
Jay: Yeah, what's up with something like 300 raking in the money, and Grindhouse not bringing in any at all?
Will: As much as I dug 300, it's been a month already. Surely, all those red-blooded males need another helping of kick-ass to get them through the spring.
Jay: Didn't it make $7-8m last weekend, which puts it in close proximity to what Grindhouse made this weekend?
Will: Something like that. I'll admit that Grindhouse comes across as more a matter of novelty, versus the visually snazzy but essentially classic tale of 300.
Jay: But it was something else that attracted so many to 300 that opening weekend. Many of us saw a hit, but nowhere near that big.
Will: Oh, God, no.
Jay: We found out that it did $30m or so in its first day from Erik down at the Paxton panel, remember? I sat there in stunned silence. But what did 300 have to bring in all those people that Grindhouse didn't? Was it the promise of epic battle sequences and a lot of half-naked men yelling their lines in massive close-ups?
Will: Well, I know some of my classmates - primarily females - thought it looked stupid or silly, "What, she has a machine gun for a leg?"
Jay: Yeah, and my buddy Bill was like "Dude, Rose McGowan has a machine gun for a leg!"
Will: Maybe some thought the trailers showed them all they needed to see (*cough*Snakes on a Plane*cough*). Others haven't the foggiest what a grindhouse film was, or would even bother with a drive-in to begin with. Sleaze does have its somewhat limited appeal.
Jay: But what does that say about the people who watch them and those who don't? I knew from the trailer that I was all the way going to see this film, but then again I'm a huge fan of the filmmakers. People who go to see Pirates of the Caribbean aren't Gore Verbinski fans.
Will: Good point. They kept plugging it as a QT/RR double feature, instead of the wider appeal of "from the makers of Kill Bill and Sin City," save for the teaser.
Jay: I don't know about you, but every single time I'm working and someone asks me what I've seen lately that I recommend, I'll mention a few titles that are currently out that I rated highly. Always, the first thing they ask is..."Who's in it?" People seem to only care about what star or 'American Idol' turnover is in the film and not anything related to the story, characters, filmmakers or anything else. Just who is in it, it's all that matters.
Will: Willis and Biehn, great as they are, aren't quite the draw they once were (if Biehn ever was), or even McGowan, although she does a great job in both, she's simply not a star, at least not yet.
Jay: Willis is Mr. Glorified Cameo, which doesn't bother me, but for the most part, he seems to do larger "small" parts in films. [McGowan] was a star in 'Charmed,' but again, different medium. They don't always cross over that well.
Will: Christ, I didn't even know that Fergie was in it until I saw it
Jay: I didn't know Fergie was that well endowed. So now there's one thing I like about her.
Will: On the other hand, while Zoë Bell may not have been a star going in, whoa, man...
Jay: Sometimes, someone just comes along and completely wins your attention. She surprised me. I knew that "Uma Thurman's Stunt Double" was appearing in Death Proof, but I didn't know there was a real kick-ass babe who is one of Tarantino's most dynamic characters.
Will: Now, I'll admit, just as we intend for films to be a form of escapist entertainment, I didn't realize that both films would be set in specifically modern times, with Osama bin Laden and cell phones, although I do think this pays off terrifically during the car chase in DP.
Jay: I didn't either, but this whole thing is set in a wacky alternative universe where all the rules are off. Remember The Bride carried a Hattori Hanzo Sword onboard in Kill Bill Vol. 1. Or how every character is smoking, everywhere, in Jackie Brown, even in 1997, when many films had removed smoking content entirely.
Will: But, if all that means a shot of the Alamo Drafthouse, I'm all for it.
Jay: But my point remains: some touches of reality have to be brushed aside to let those little things get through.
Will: But of course.
Jay: It's a whole lot of fun. Even on their own, they would make great midnight movies. But then who besides major cities, and Austin, do those anymore?
Will: See, while they could stand on their own, and just might, I think it works better as a whole.
Jay: I stand by what I said in my review: Planet Terror is silly fun whereas Death Proof is just a great film. It does so many things so damn right and it rests alongside Tarantino's best work. And I agree, that the entire experience is a knockout. You need to see those badly spliced trailers and ESPECIALLY the policy and "coming soon" trailers. Those are always a lot of fun to watch.
Will: I think PT's a bit slow to start, and while I totally respect what Quentin pulls with his downshift, there still coulda been a judicious snip or two. I like the talking, but I love the asphalt action, which is worth sitting through a chat or two for.
Jay: I could have listened to them talk for hours.
Will: Well, now with Quentin putting together his longer cut for Cannes, there's widespread talk that the Weinsteins now might re-release them separately later this year, as they'll be shown elsewhere. Is that really gonna solve anything? I think, if anything, it'll take away from it.
Jay: It would detract from this 3 hour ‘grindhouse’ idea, which I am not so sure about. What if they released that without the trailers or even the "print problems"? Sacrilege!
Will: So, curious: would you pay to rewatch them individually, if re-released?
Jay: Let's see if that's actually done first.
Will: Gotcha. I've gotta say, I think they're each long enough, if not to benefit from being a bit shorter. Had they came in under three hours, even so much as 2:59, I'm sure they'd benefit. Axe the opening credits for each.
Jay: NO!
Will: Okay, maybe not DP's. I really dig that song.
Jay: The opening credits on both are amazing, especially Death Proof's. The spliced-in title card!
Will: Oh, that'd still be there. You can show a title without running the rest of them. It has been done before. Besides, the running time limits daily showtimes, as you very well know.
Jay: Which some theaters had countered by adding more screens, but with the small take, many of those second and third screens will be gone by next weekend.
Will: I'd hesitate to recommend either one on their own in terms of hand-on-wallet calls, although Death Proof's climax is so fuckin' worth it in any capacity. It isn’t just what the trailers and such add, but I think that combined, there's a better momentum and a greater sense of entertainment value than either alone. You're in it for the whole nine. And while I'm reluctant to pull this, Titanic and LOTR clocked in at what now?
Jay: Titanic ran about exactly the same running time, but that was a movie that kept chugging along for months with the same box office. That was the rare film that appealed to every last person in North America, every age group and background.
Will: But as a business move, a re-release would likely crash and burn. In Europe, they have to suck it up from square one.
Planet Terror
Will: As far as Rodriguez’ stuff goes, it's right up his alley. It plays to his strengths.
Jay: He knows what he's doing, and I admired how he had the guts to make his end of the double bill look the filthiest. I mean, there's dirt and scratches everywhere!
Will: Coulda done without the testicle collecting, but hey, why not?
Jay: Yeah, you're not into the teste-humour, I notice.
Will: It depends. Hard Candy was hilarious. And I can't name too many other flicks that feature a melting penis. That was another part of the appeal: there's shit in both films that you ain't nevah seen before.
Jay: That stuff just made me laugh, the lengths of grotesque that Rodriguez not only injects on us, but his pal Quentin.
Will: So, just as Quentin ends up knocking people for going to town with the artifice of CGI, Rodriguez turns it against him in the worst possible way. And as obvious most of the CGI stuff was, everything involving McGowan's leg came off like gangbusters.
Jay: He does so much right that you just throw your hands up and just go with it. And with a lot of those movies in that era, it was silly to pick them apart.
Will: Fuck, you threw your hands up when you bought a ticket.
Jay: I threw my hands when I left the house to commute to the theatre.
Will: And it embraced that very mentality without necessarily abusing it.
Jay: And they both take an idea and expand upon it instead of blatantly pointing every last thing out to you (going right back to Wild Hogs!).
Will: And I'll forever give Rodriguez props for the role in which he casts his own son, but that's a whole other thing I have with kids’ roles in certain movies. And his synth-heavy score is so fucking right-on, it's ridiculous.
Jay: I was wondering how Rodriguez was going to do that since he couldn't get John Carpenter, but he knocked it out of the park.
Will: And he executes his missing reel in prime fashion, feasible splices or no.
Jay: A bit unrealistically, but I'd rather have the quick cut than five minutes of them pretending to fix a print.
Will: We get some familiar faces, and both Rodriguez and McGowan are better than their roles deserve.
Jay: I was the most impressed by Freddy Rodriguez. Great work in it, and he has a solid career ahead of him, I'm sure. And the best-looking Rose McGowan since Scream.
Will: So, all in all, Planet Terror works.
Jay: Every helicopter blade choppin', machine-gun-for-a-leg moment of it. Lots of goofy fun.
Death Proof
Will: And McGowan’s surely the best-looking segue we've seen in quite some time, as both her and Quentin reappear in his Death Proof. Now, I can't possibly imagine Rourke in the role of Stuntman Mike (okay, I kinda can). This is Russell all the way.
Jay: Hey, it's a great Russell performance. Turns on the charm but won't drink the booze in a TEXAS BAR! Sacrilege!
Will: And he even gets that little wink to the camera that just... He rocks it entire. Basically, I'd have trouble seeing Rourke pull off the vulnerability that Mike ends up showing.
Jay: Years of experience, that Russell.
Will: What a pity that his missing reel skips out on the potential fun, although trailers and interviews have confirmed that that lapdance will be there by some point. Rodriguez can totally afford to leave out what he does. When Quentin does it, it's nearly cruel, and he knows it, and we kinda forgive him for it.
Jay: If that reel ever comes back in whatever form, there will have to be some explanation as to how it got back in (we found the original camera negative, somebody stole the reel and we tracked it down), etc.
Will: No, there doesn't, Buzz McKillington.
Jay: But isn't that urban legend...someone stole that lapdance scene for his own personal amusement? Holding up the frames one at a time...
Will: But maybe that particular projectionist is feeling gracious. Something along the lines of perv's remorse.
Jay: They found it in his closet with an entire print of Emmanuelle.
Will: Triple feature! So, when the second group of gals show up, the going really gets good. Although, as previously addressed, I'd love to know what became of Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Rape revenge spin-off, says I.
Jay: Maybe that's why, but then again a lot of smaller plot elements do get the chop for timing reasons.
Will: The text messaging, for example. Meanwhile, Tracie Thoms and Rosario Dawson totally redeem themselves for Rent (sorry, Laura, but this is our Rent). Sure, there are plenty of shameless T&A shots, but ultimately, the women are empowered in either film.
Jay: They always have been. Mia Wallace, Jackie Brown, The Bride, even Bridget Fonda's Melanie showed some sass. And Tarantino KNOWS how to photograph women, even on this one, as he served as his own cinematographer.
Will: And apparently, he also knows how to shoot a righteously kick-ass car chase for the ages. Whodathunkit? There really aren't enough words for it. Damn, Christ, fuck-me awesome.
Jay: It's a brilliant car chase. For me, it's right up there with the tumbles through San Francisco in Bullitt, the dashing through the streets in The French Connection, and, of course, the thousands of police cars chasing Joliet Jake and Elwood in The Blues Brothers.
Will: Not to mention that preceding crash. Seamless and brutal, that one.
Jay: The entire sequence is so organic, so real. Editing is kept to a minimal, there's an unbelievable amount of wide takes and you really can't believe Zoë is doing what she's doing. You think there'd be a harness somewhere, but she moves around so much to null that fact.
Will: I mean, yes, she's playing a version of herself, but in that case, we could use a few more shameless stunt flicks.
Jay: As for that previous crash, it became all the more horrifying when played from alternate angles. I also found the first Stuntman Mike "victim" scene to be equally brutal.
Will: Oh, yeah. Whereas Planet Terror is gushy and sloppy and fun, the Death Proof stuff is genuinely visceral and, well, thrilling. So, final verdict? I say, slow to start, but so fucking worth it.
Jay: I think it's one of Quentin's great works, the writing is amazing and I hung on every word. I don't think any of it's slow or poorly paced. It's all there to move along to the exciting finale.
The trailers
Will: Now, real quick, those fake trailers before and between the features. Not to reveal too much, of course.
Jay: If you get up to go to the bathroom while these are playing, shame on you.
Will: I wouldn't say Zombie's is the worst, but it's the least of the bunch. I could totally see Machete as a feature. And only because I'd seen Thanksgiving my fair share of times before, I think DON'T was my favorite.
Jay: All I have to say is....DON'T!
Will: Well, there's always this weekend, which has a clusterfuck of (half-unscreened) new releases.
Jay: I know I'll probably put another $8 or $16 into Grindhouse's box office next weekend.
Will: And I, likewise. Kids, if you're just gonna sneak in, have your parents buy two tix, walk in, and then leave. Trust me, Disturbia doesn't need your dollars.
Jay: Hey, person reading this article...why haven't you went out to see this movie yet? What are you waiting for?
Will: Yeah. Shame, tsk, and so on. Need we say more? It's got sex, laffs, and tons of the red stuff.
Jay: And one final thing before we wrap up: if you live in a city where you have a single-screener, palace cinema, specialty, Drafthouse or Drafthouse-like cinema, this is the ideal way to see the flick. If you can avoid your 20-screen megaplex, do so.
Will: And while a Friday/Saturday night crowd may be hard to find by now, bring friends. You'll have plenty to discuss after, as we surely have shown.
Jay: And have them bring their friends. Get a bit of booze in you before the show. Or if you're in Austin at the Drafthouse, drink during. Pitchers, buckets, repeated order cards for just one more pint.
Will: We love the Drafthouse. You would too. Got it? Good.
Will: So, although Robert and Quentin might not get on their knees to beg you to catch it while you can, we'll certainly think about it. It's inspired, it's entertaining, and it's worth your while as few films are. Go. Please. Now.
Jay: And if you decide to see Disturbia instead, double shame on you.
Will: Too true.
Jay: "But, it's got the kid from Holes!" ... Damn, I got nothin'.
link directly to this feature at http://hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=2158
originally posted: 04/11/07 13:31:34
last updated: 04/11/07 13:59:35
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