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| Criticwatch 2008 (UPDATED 5/11/08 - Narnia's Pre-Resurrection) |
by Erik Childress
Pete Hammond has been fired from Maxim, but like the cockroaches that they are – there’s a quote whore just waiting out there in the wings to step up and take his place. Who are the quote whores? They are unscrupulous little maggots who wiggle across the junkets and free screenings of America and come up with the most hyperbole-laden praise to ensure their place amongst the by-lines of film ads and commercials. You see, a true quote whore doesn’t write anything but this brand of copy. Most of them you can barely find any info on through a web search. And in this day and age, that’s a pretty rare feat. Of course, not all of the critics at Criticwatch are whores. Some of them are just rampant sluts, giving it up for free with little regard for good taste or the disease they spread through a critical community trying to honestly do their jobs and inform the public with a less-biased opinion through intelligent speech and an eye for what makes a good film. Each year Criticwatch tracks the whores and the sluts, while also trying to offer a counterpoint with actual critics and real writers whom you can trust, if not always agree with. We've named our awards appropriately over the years (“The Peter Travers Whore of the Year Award”, “The Kevin Thomas Sloppy Seconds” and "The Michael Medved Bag of Douche Award")
CRITICWATCH NOTES THIS WEEK
Narnia’s Pre-Resurrection
The President of the Chicago Film Critics Association (not the picture you see before you) received a fax this week regarding Prince Caspian, the adaptation of the second Narnia book (albeit chronologically the fourth of the seven stories.) This fax informed him that the chairman of the Christian Film & TV Commission (and the editor of Movieguide.org) hails it as “a fantastic epic adventure” and “a very exciting, fantastic epic that re-imagines the book’s story.” I think we all know what “book” he means has been “re-imagined.” And that “he” is Ted Baehr (yes, HIS picture right), whom you may have seen here and there on movie ads or more notably as a subject of ridicule here at Criticwatch. Back in 1988 he was at the forefront of the protests on Martin Scorsese’s The Last Temptation of Christ but now advocates the series where Father Christmas hands over weapons to children to do battle for the kingdom. Solid Christian message, all around, don’t you think?
While the CFCA board is receiving this fax to tell us what others think of the movie, the majority of the membership will not have a chance to see the film until the Wednesday evening (May 14). Christ, even Jesus was given three days to rest before the resurrection. The Sun-Times and Tribune got a look more than a full week earlier. So “hear me now Israel…Aren’t your ways unequal?” (Exekiel 18:25)
Bryan Erdy, after a brief separation from the Disney teat, is back calling Prince Caspian “Even better than the first. Astonishing in the every way.” And that’s just on the TV spots. In the New York Times Sunday he also called it “Extraordinary! Destined to join the original as a classic!” This from the guy who never met a straight-to-video Disney animated sequel he couldn’t blurb (Bambi II, Brother Bear 2, Cinderella III & The Fox and the Hound 2.) Last year National Treasure 2 was “spectacular, exciting fun.” Believe in Jesus or the Lord, our Father, or a talking lion all you want, but by believing in Erdy you’re putting your faith in the guy who said The Game Plan was “one of the funniest movies in years” and that College Road Trip was “the perfect family movie.” Here are some more false Gods put before the nation’s critics singing Narnia’s praises:
“****” Gorman Woodfin, CNN
“Triumphant.” Stephen McGarvey, crosswalk.com
“Brilliant! A captivating adventure that’s thrilling from start to finish. – Mose Persico
“Wildly exciting! Bigger and better, Prince Caspian hits the mark! – Bonnie Laufer
“The must-see film of 2008.” S. Choi - TLN
Psalms says that scorn is for the proud. And I’m damn proud not to be any of these people.
Whore Racers
Film Title: Speed Racer
Released by: Warner Bros,
Tomatometer: 34% (as of May 9, 2008)
Respected Critics Say:
"135 minutes of noisy, infantile and shockingly boring mind rot that will inspire only partial epilepsy in viewers whose ages remain in the single digits and complete ennui in those who have passed the big 1-0.." - Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic.com
" It wouldn't surprise me to learn that the entire movie was paid for by the makers of Tylenol.." - Scott Weinberg, Cinematical
"At an exceedingly long 135 minutes, the film needs more than what might result from the explosion of a Crayola factory, and Speed Racer has nothing extra to offer -- no heart, no excitement, no moments to cherish." - James Berardinelli, ReelViews
What I Said:
"Speed Racer devolves into one of the most painfully ill-conceived borefests to ever grace a summer movie season and an easy candidate of one of 2008's worst films." – Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.com
That’s what the negative reviews of Speed Racer look like. Critics who don’t like it, REALLY don’t like it. And more sympathetic – I could not be. 34% actually seems high at Rotten Tomatoes with 81 reviews clocked in Friday morning, but the number has been going down day-by-day and will probably be somewhere between 25-30% by Sunday. Possibly, unfathomably, lower than What Happens In Vegas. Warner Bros. is not using any of that 33% though. They have trotted out a lineup of whores like a menu at the Chicken Ranch. Starting with last Sunday’s ads, it seems new ones kept popping up on the TV spots and even more for this weekend’s ads.
"The creators of the Matrix trilogy have revolutionized moviemaking." - Earl Dittman
"Spectacular! Visually stunning. It will blow your mind." – Mark S. Allen
"A spectacular adventure for all ages." – Dean Richards
"A visual masterpiece. Great entertainment." – Janet Stokes
"Beyond incredible. You’ve never seen anything like it." - Bryan Erdy
"One of the most exhilarating movies you’ll ever see." – Jim Ferguson
"It's the coolest thing I've seen." - Carrie Keagan
Bryan Erdy must have been given the Jedi mind trick into thinking he was seeing a Disney film. Dittman has given us some seriously old news and you can read below to find out who Carrie Keagan is. David Poland at MovieCityNews has been pimpin’ this movie since late April. And has been giving them some gem quotes that don’t sound like the crap just above. Now, like anyone who likes this movie I think he was either drunk or a recipient of the McMurphy treatment when seeing it, but why not use someone willing to write thousands of words about your film and continue to defend it then these 15 words-or-less jokers?
Revoking Critical And Man Cards
Last week, the unbearably generic Made of Honor didn’t have anyone in its ads to recommend the film. It’s a rare occurrence but sometimes a film is just so bad that even the whores smartly disassociate themselves from it. (See ads for: Deception, The Hottie and the Nottie, etc…) More commonly it’s on the films that don’t screen for critics (i.e. Meet the Spartans, The Eye), unless you write for Bloody-Disgusting and happily provide positive thoughts for test screenings of The Ruins and Pathology.
This week though, Paul Fischer has made my job all the more easier when he got his name as the solo voice of unreason on the 13% RT approved, Made of Honor. (“…Deliciously romantic, a wonderfully funny date movie that is both irresistible and charming.”) He’s also one of two, as mentioned last week, on the ads for this week’s romantic comedy disaster, What Happens In Vegas, which is, by and large, the worst film of 2008 not named Prom Night. Fischer calls it “Hilarious!” though. Why does this make my job easier? Well, it just provides a nice little parallel to a demotion we’re giving on Criticwatch.
“Made of Honor is a nice cookie-cutter comedy, no more and no less, but Dempsey, with his relaxed charm, and Monaghan, with her soft and peachy sensual spark, rise to the challenge of making friendship look like the wellspring of true love.”
“Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz hate on each other with dynamite verve in What Happens in Vegas.”
Those words belong to Entertainment Weekly critic, Owen Gleiberman. So be sure to give a nice, hearty “thank you” to him when your lady drags you to both pieces of crap. Trust me, guys. No promise of repeat viewings of Indiana Jones and The Dark Knight while getting oral homage in the back of the theater is enough to make you enjoy one of these films, let alone both. These are break-up material movies. And recommending them both not only forfeits your man card but grants you a one-way trip from the “trustworthy” to the “caveat emptor” section of our Criticwatch list. You earned this one, Owen, and you’re in the penalty box without parole for a while.
Top Critics Agree: Peter Travers is "Fierce and Funny"
Film Title: Iron Man
Released by: Paramount
Tomatometer: 94% (as of May 3, 2008)
So, Paramount, you have this film cranking a whopping 94% approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes. They could be mostly 3-star/solid “B” ratings, but no matter – the positive reviews are flowing. 144-to-9 positive-to-negative by this writing. Those are Pixar-like numbers. It currently is the FIFTH-best reviewed film of the year and SECOND-best (behind only 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days) with films sporting over 100 reviews at the site. And, yet, these are the people you choose to hype your product in the ads:
“Spectacular…Iron Man kicks off summer on a blazing high note and practically dares the competition to measure up. It’s been years since a movie superhero was this fierce and this funny.” – Peter Travers
“A thrill-a-minute blockbuster!” – Jeffrey Lyons
“It’s a blast!” – Gene Shalit
“One of the best superhero movies ever!” – Scott Mantz
Couldn’t find anyone better than that, Paramount, seriously? You may not wanted to associate your superhero flick with the online geek sites, but at least some of them write more than just dumb-dumb phrases like Lyons and Shalit. I suppose that’s why Saturday you prefaced the ad with the big “TOP CRITICS AGREE” and replaced them with A.O. Scott (“An unusually good superhero picture”), Joe Morgenstern (“Hugely entertaining!”) and the Saturday ad’s best friend, Claudia Puig (“Entertaining and fun!”). Last week you attributed “A lot of fun” to one Mr. Roeper, but now it’s been given to his current partner, Michael Phillips and Richard was left with “Robert Downey Jr. gives a blazing performance!” Thank you for not saying “iron-clad”, Richard. But still in that “top critic” list remains Peter Travers, which remains one of the few negatives associated with Iron Man this weekend. It may have been "years since a movie superhero was this fierce and this funny," according to Travers. But just one year ago Travers said:
"This mischievous blend of The Office and Friday the 13th keeps things fierce and funny enough to give Steve Carell ideas." (Severance)
"Michael Moore isn’t the only filmmaker packing enough heat to bust out of the documentary ghetto. A shockingly fierce and funny spell-binder that leaves your head spinning." (Crazy Love)
"A radically fierce & funny fireball. "(Sicko)
"Fierce and fiendishly funny." (No Country for Old Men)
"Fiercely funny!" (Delirious)
STOP USING PETER TRAVERS, STUDIOS!!!!
Vegas and Zombie Strippers
This weekend 20th Century Fox, the creators of Meet the Spartans, Jumper, Shutter and Deception is sneaking the latest film from the writer of The Wedding Date. At 10 PM Saturday night you can choose to catch What Happens In Vegas so you can say that you saw it even before the critics; most of whom haven’t been invited until Tuesday morning. (Chicago is even further behind the times with a Tuesday evening screening.) No matter what city you’re in though, there’s no way you can be the first or even the second one in line for the Cameron Diaz/Ashton Kutcher marriage-off. Sorry, Paul Fischer and Sara Edwards have already beat you to the punch. “Hilarious!” says Fischer, getting only his second quote of the year (after Smart People). Edwards is getting her first quote of the year, whipping out a whore’s greatest hits calling it “Laugh-out-loud funny!” and “Sweet, smart, sexy.” Apparently, it “Works on every level.” Wow, Sara! And, of course, we believe you because in the past you recommended we see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Unaccompanied Minors, Home of the Brave, Stick It and Monster-In-Law. What Happens In Vegas, Sara, stays shut in your unqualified mouth!
Catching up on something I missed in last week’s Chicago papers was the ads for the Robert Englund/Jenna Jameson breastfest, Zombie Strippers. The film got a one-theater engagement in the Windy City and, much to our most pleasant surprise, was actually screened for critics. A pretty hefty accomplishment considering how many already haven’t been this year including the recent Prom Night and Pathology. It’s actually a better film than either of them. But better does not equal good. Certainly not “so hot, it hurts,” as said by No Good TV’s (NGTV) Carrie Keagan (seen right) who also said that 10,000 B.C. “rocks!!” and 27 Dresses gave us “27 more reasons to love Katherine Heigl!” But despite some really horrible taste in film, I’ll at least give her a pass as being the kind of galpal who may force you to go see chick flicks in January but will gladly get it on for a film called Zombie Strippers.
I’m not going to say the same for one Luke Yelasdi Thompson. The L.A. Weekly critic has gone on record in the ad as saying, now stay with me here, that Zombie Strippers is “Easily the best movie of the year, so far. Really.” He even added the “really” before we had a chance to question him. Granted, the film may be rocking more positive reviews (15) at Rotten Tomatoes than 88 Minutes, Deal (still mired in an 0-for-26 slump) and this week’s Made of Honor combined but I’m afraid it’s come to this. Luke, I know we're facebook friends and I wish you all the best - but you have to give up your credentials. I’m sorry. It may sound rash, but we can’t have a critic saying this. It’s not helping our argument. That’s officially your last review outside the pages of AVN. Carrie, on the other hand, call me sometime. We can go see Sex and the City and then to make it up to me I’m sure Luke can recommend something juicy from Vivid.
2008 Quote Totals (Whores & Sluts)
24 - Jeffrey Lyons
14 - Peter Travers
9 - Shawn Edwards
6 - Earl Dittman, Pete Hammond & Steve Oldfield
5 - Ben Lyons, Scott Mantz & James Thomas
4 - Bryan Erdy, Jim Ferguson, Carrie Keagan
3 - Mark S. Allen & Harry Knowles
2 - Ted Baehr, Pat Collins, Jeff Craig, Paul Fischer, Roger Friedman, Sandie Newton, Mose Persico, Renee Shapiro, Rachel Smith & Jeanne Wolf
1 - Bill Bregoli, Steven Chupnick, Kelli Gillespie, Jeffrey K. Howard, Bonnie Laufer & Prairie Miller
2008 Quote Totals (Caveat Emptor)
20 - Variety
14 - Claudia Puig
9 - The Hollywood Reporter
8 - Owen Gleiberman
6 - Dennis Dermody
5 - Leonard Maltin
4 - Matt Zoller Seitz
3 - Thelma Adams, Bloody-Disgusting, Leah Rozen & Gene Shalit
2 - Roger Moore
1 - Karen Berg & Christy Lemire
2008 Quote Totals (Critics You Can Trust)
23 - A.O. Scott
14 - Rex Reed
12 - Richard Roeper
11 - Manohla Dargis, David Edelstein & Marshall Fine
10 - Lisa Schwarzbaum
9 - Richard Corliss, Karen Durbin, Roger Ebert
8 - Stephen Holden & Andrew Sarris
7 - John Anderson
6 - David Ansen & Carina Chocano
5 - Lou Lumenick, Michael Phillips, John Powers & Kenneth Turan
4 - Joe Morgenstern
3 - David Denby & Troy Patterson
READ THE LATEST IN CRITICWATCH
Criticwatch 2007 - The Whores of the Year and the Axing of Pete Hammond
Criticwatch 2007 - Know Your Shit, Period!
- The Vindication of Awards?
- 2006 Whores of the Year
- The Whores of Summer and the Embargoes They Break
- Critics vs. Whores: Where Is The Sky Falling?
Read All The Articles In The Criticwatch Series - HERE[/big]
CRITIC LIST
THE BIG 2 (& OUR AWARD NAMES)
Peter Travers (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Kevin Thomas (Los Angeles Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
THE WHORES
Byron Allen
Mark S. Allen (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bill Bregoli (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Steven Chupnick (2007)
Pat Collins (2007)
Jeff Craig (2003) (2007)
Bill Diehl (2005) (2006)
Earl Dittman (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Shawn Edwards (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bryan Erdy (2007)
Guy Farris (2005)
Paul Fischer (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jim Ferguson (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Roger Friedman (2006) (2007)
Jeffrey K. Howard (2003) (2006) (2007)
Carrie Keagan
Joanna Langfield
Bonnie Laufer (2007)
Stuart Lee
Scott Mantz (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bill McCuddy
Melanie Moon (2007)
Sandie Newton
Steve Oldfield (2005) (2006) (2007)
Mose Persico (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Richard Reid
Greg Russell (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Maria Salas (2005) (2006) (2007)
Mike Sargent (2003) (2005) (2007)
J.P. Sarni (Sirius Satellite Radio)
Fred Saxon (2003) (2004)
Todd David Schwartz (CBS Radio)
Renee Shapiro
David Sheehan (2003) (2004) (2006)
Clay Smith (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
Lisa Stanley (2006) (2007)
Kevin Steincross
Jim Svejda (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Chuck “The Movie Guy” Thomas (2005) (2006)
James Thomas
Fred Topel
Tony Toscano (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
Jeanne Wolf (2003) (2005) (2006) (2007)
TELEVISION
Alison Bailes (Reel Talk)
Paul Clinton (CNN) (2003)
Roger Ebert (Ebert & Roeper) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Sara Edwards (CN8 – The Comcast Network) (2005)
Tim Estiloz (CN8 – The Comcast Network)
Kelli Gillespie (XETV-TV San Diego) (2007)
Sam Hallenbeck (NBC-TV/Tampa)
Larry King (Larry King Live) (2003) (2005) (2006)
Joyce Kulhawik (Hot Ticket!) (2003)
Ben Lyons (E!) (2006) (2007)
Jeffrey Lyons (WNBC-TV) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Leonard Maltin (Entertainment Tonight) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jim O'Brien (News Channel 5)
Richard Roeper (Ebert & Roeper) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Neil Rosen (NY-1) (2006)
Gene Shalit (The Today Show) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Joel Siegel (Good Morning America) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
Rachel Smith (KVVU Las Vegas) (2007)
Patrick Stoner ("Flicks" PBS)
"Two Thumbs Up" (Ebert & Roeper) (2003)
Sarah Zapp (The Comcast Network)
Bill Zwecker (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
OTHER TV
THE MAGAZINES
Thelma Adams (US Weekly) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
John Anderson (Newsday) (2006) (2007)
David Ansen (Newsweek) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Karen Berg (OK!) (2007)
Jess Cagle (People) (2005)
Richard Corliss (Time) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Julia Dahl (Marie Claire)
David Denby (The New Yorker) (2006) (2007)
Dennis Dermody (Paper) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Karen Durbin (Elle) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
David Edelstein (Slate / New York Magazine) (2006) (2007)
Stephen Farber (Movieline / Hollywood Life) (2006)
David Fear (Time Out New York) (2006)
Marshall Fine (Star) (2006) (2007)
Aaron Gell ("O")
Owen Gleiberman (Entertainment Weekly) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Pete Hammond (Maxim) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bruce Handy (Vanity Fair)
Logan Hill (New York Magazine) (2006)
The Hollywood Reporter (2007)
In Touch Magazine (2006)
Dan Jewel (Life & Style Weekly) (2005) (2006)
Glenn Kenny (Premiere) (2003) (2005) (2006)
Andrew O'Hehir (Salon)
Troy Patterson (Spin) (2007)
John Powers (Vogue) (2007)
Stephen Rebello (Playboy)
Rebecca Rothbaum (O)
Leah Rozen (People) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Richard Schickel (Time) (2003)
Gene Seymour (Newsday)
Lisa Schwarzbaum (Entertainment Weekly) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jan Stuart (Newsday) (2005)
Ken Tucker (New York Magazine)
Variety (2007)
THE NEWSPAPERS
Jami Bernard (New York Daily News)
John Black (Boston Metro)
Ty Burr (The Boston Globe)
Jeannette Catsoulis (The New York Times)
Carina Chocano (Los Angeles Times) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Mike Clark (USA Today)
Kevin Crust (Los Angeles Times)
Manohla Dargis (Los Angeles Times) (2003) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Scott Foundas (L.A. Weekly)
J. Hoberman (Village Voice)
Stephen Holden (The New York Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Stephen Hunter (The Washington Post)
Mick LaSalle (San Francisco Chronicle) (2006) (2007)
Nathan Lee (The New York Times) (2006)
Lou Lumenick (New York Post) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jack Mathews (NY Daily News) (2005)
Elvis Mitchell (The New York Times) (2003)
Roger Moore (The Orlando Sentinel) (2007)
Joe Morgenstern (The Wall Street Journal) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Rob Nelson (The Village Voice)
Michael Phillips (Chicago Tribune) (2007)
Claudia Puig (USA Today) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Rex Reed (The New York Observer) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Carrie Rickey (The Philadelphia Inquirer)
Jim Ridley (The Village Voice)
Joshua Rothkopf (Time Out New York)
Andrew Sarris (The New York Observer) (2003) (2007)
Stephen Schaefer (Boston Herald)
A.O. Scott (The New York Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Liz Smith (New York Post)
Ella Taylor (L.A. Weekly)
Matt Zoller Seitz (The New York Times) (2007)
Kyle Smith (The New York Post) (2006)
Ruthe Stein (San Francisco Chronicle)
David Sterritt (The Christian Science Monitor)
Bob Strauss (Los Angeles Daily News) (2005)
Kenneth Turan (Los Angeles Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Elizabeth Weitzman (NY Daily News)
Armond White (NY Press)
Stephen Whitty (The Star Ledger)
Michael Wilmington (Chicago Tribune) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Robert Wilonsky (Dallas Observer)
ASSOCIATED PRESS
David Germain (2005)
Christy Lemire (2005) (2006) (2007)
RADIO
Michael Medved (2007)
Prairie Miller (2007)
Dean Richards (WGN Radio Chicago) (2003) (2004) (2005)
Jan Wahl
THE WEB
Ain’t It Cool News.com / Harry Knowles (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Ted Baehr (Movieguide) (2007)
Bloody-Disgusting (2007)
Chris Carle (IGN.com)
Cinematical
eFilmCritic.com (2006)
Fangoria
Film Threat (2006)
Avi Offer (The NYC Movie Guru)
ORGANIZATIONS
Janet Stokes (Film Advisory Board) (2006)
CRITICWATCH CREEDO
Since 2003, eFilmCritic’s Criticwatch has kept a watchful eye on the film reviewer community. And in that time, we’ve been called a lot of names.
Angry. Boring. Jealous. Scum.
So why do we scour movie ads every day and call out the biggest whorebags in entertainment journalism?
Heck. We do it for the kids.
Often, people will ask what it takes to be called a ‘quotewhore’ by our panel of blurb snoops. In that respect, the Criticwatch Credo is fairly simple; yes, it’s okay to have poor taste once in a while. Yes, it’s okay to get quoted in movie ads. Yes, it’s okay to be a little generous about the movies you’re reviewing.
Where things go skewiff is when you’re ALWAYS being quoted in the ads for movies that are flat out awful - films that nobody else will touch. Or if you’re writing for some obscure radio station in Oshkosh Wisconsin, yet your name is all over the trailers for the biggest releases every week. Or if you just happen to have a great blurb for a movie that is so bad that it isn’t being shown to critics.
From the beginning, Criticwatch has always been about who you can trust.
Some of the critics on our list are junketeers. They get flown out to LA and New York by the Hollywood studios and treated like royalty, in return for five minutes with a celebrity and a favorable review.
Others are Scoop Sluts. They sneak into word of mouth screenings and rush off to the computer when they get home so they can be the first to tell everyone how "AWESOME!" [sic] the latest big budget action piece of ridiculousness is.
But the ones that really yank our chain are the Quote Whores.
These guys just don’t care about the art of cinema, nor film journalism. To them, it doesn’t matter if their words convince you and your family to waste $60 on a terrible movie, just as long as they get a little mention in the trailer. To these douchebags, everything is a "masterwork" and an "instant classic" and the "most hilarious comedy of the year". Nothing is ever bad to a quotewhore.
To immortalize the worst offenders, we’ve named our annual awards after the absolute bottom end of the industry; namely “The Peter Travers Whore of the Year Award”, “The Kevin Thomas Sloppy Seconds Award” and "The Michael Medved Bag of Douche Award".
Finally, it must be said that not everyone who offers a positive blurb for a terrible movie makes our list. Roger Ebert liked Garfield… Bad taste hits everyone, once in a while. It’s okay to get one wrong - or even a few.
But if a film critic sells out the general public on anything close to a consistent basis, we will call them out publicly.
Please, before you pay money to watch a movie, check back here and make sure that the guy telling you I Am Legend is the "One of the Greatest Movies Ever Made" knows what the hell he’s talking about.
2008 CRITICWATCH ARCHIVE
It Isn't Just The Name of the Movie
Film Title: Deception
Released by: 20th Century Fox
Tomatometer: 11% (as of Apr. 26, 2008)
Respected Critics Say:
"Can a movie title be so unthinkably bad that it single-handedly ruins the viewing experience? As it turns out, yes.." - Dustin Putman, TheMovieBoy.com
"A would-be erotic thriller with no heat and zero chills, Deception has the kind of glassy, glossy sheen and risible story that mean to suggest Basic Instinct but instead invoke lesser laughers like Jade and Sliver.." - Manohla Dargis
"If the filmmakers were expecting to dupe their audience with Hitchcock-like twists, then they severely underestimated the intelligence of the average moviegoer." - David Kaplan
What I Said:
"Wolverines and Cougars aside, there are more than one strokes responsible for violating their own rules and putting a name on the film that is only an introduction to what's wrong with it.." – Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.com
While I continued to monitor Rotten Tomatoes to see who would be the first critic to post something positive about the poker film, Deal, currently in an 0-for-25 slump (0% RT rating) I saw that the initial numbers for Fox’s Deception had risen from 6% to 11%. Despite having gone to “the next level” as Howie would say on Deal or No Deal, I didn’t give it much thought. Fox still wasn’t running any positive quotes on the ads and I wasn’t going to trouble myself worrying about some internet whackjob with really bad taste. Saturday morning when a colleague clued me that this wasn’t just any whackjob, the link to his review said it all.
Yep, Pete Hammond, posting reviews for whomever would have him at this point gave a positive review to Deception. In all fairness, Hammond isn’t the only critic to like it. (And he did contributed to Deal’s 0-for-25.) There are six other positive reviews (including Orlando Sentinel’s Roger Moore) at Rotten Tomatoes for Deception – if you can find them buried within the other 55 negative ones. His quote at the site reads:
“THe kind of edge-of-your-seat sexual thriller that grabs you and doesn't let go.”
The director’s cut extended quote over at Hollywood.com says, “Deception is the kind of state-of-the-art, edge-of-your-seat sexual thriller that grabs you and doesn’t let go. It’s actually the kind of movie Hitchcock might have made.”
That’s true. Hitchcock might have made a film like Deception. Only it wouldn’t have sucked. At least not if he made it in the ‘50s or ‘60s. But that’s the kind of pull quote that grabs you doesn’t it? Like these from Hammond over the years.
Akeelah and the Bee - Grabs you by the heart in unexpected and wonderful ways.
Jet Li’s Fearless - Fearless grabs you with its epic scope and richly human story.
Apocalypto - Once again, Mel Gibson proves why he is one of the best filmmakers around. Clearly a fearless director who knows how to grab an audience and not let go for even a minute.
Fracture - A sleek, surprising and surefire thriller that will grab you by the throat.
Dark Water - The year's first genuinely frightening edge-of-your-seat chiller. Even Hitchcock could not have done better.
No, only Pete Hammond could not have done better.
"NO DEAL!”
Despite some surprisingly positive reviews for last week’s The Forbidden Kingdom (which has garnered the necessary 60%+ rating at Rotten Tomatoes for a fresh rating), Lions Gate used none of the reviews in the ads. That all changed this week as they managed to get some heavy hitters like A.O. Scott (“Dazzling!”), David Edelstein (“Great fun!”) and Richard Roeper (“Great humor!”). But stuck right there at the end is Mike Sargent; infamous last year for basically getting caught admitting on Inside Edition that he sometimes has provided quotes for films he hasn’t even seen.
The radio host, known in his circles as “Mr. No Show”, has provided a pair for the martial arts un-extravaganza, one for the papers (“Forbidden Kingdom is pure entertainment!”) and my favorite for the television spots (“Jackie Chan and Jet Li are at the top of their game!”) Chan is 54 and the Jet is 45. Now I don’t like calling attention to age, particularly when Jackie, arguably, made the most awe-dropping film of his entire career when he was nearly 40 (Drunken Master II), but c’mon. Saying that these two legends are at “the top of their game” in a film barely worthy of Jackie’s English skills let alone his moves, is like saying Kathleen Turner today has never been more doable.
And as my current favorite mini-story of the week, the poker film Deal, directed by Gil Cates Jr. (yes, the son of the Oscar’s producer) is hitting the big doughnut at Rotten Tomatoes. Less than Prom Night’s 9% and the 6% shared by 88 Minutes and Fox’s latest stinker, Deception. ZERO PERCENT. That’s with 16 critics accounted for by 8:40 AM Friday; 6 of whom I’m happy to say are colleagues of mine in Chicago. With my review and you’ve got the Chicago 7 telling you how crappy Deal is. Who is going to be the first critic to post something positive about Deal? And a statement from the World Poker Tour (extensively promoted in the film’s final act) used on the radio spots (“An edge-of-your-seat thrill ride. Deal is the poker film for poker fans”) does not count by a longshot. We will be watching, so prepare to be outed right here on Criticwatch if you are the one to break Deal’s perfect shit streak at R.T.
"That Baby Mama Is A Ho!”
Universal this month pulled a very dirty trick on members of the Chicago Film Critics Association and, from what I’m told, some other markets as well. Early reports from colleagues that the studio was going to withhold their latest film, Baby Mama, from online critics until the last possible moment seemed, in a word, silly. Since we know the old-fashioned consciousness about the internet critic are mama’s fanboys in their basements with Jolt Cola I.V.’s connected to their crotches - you can understand their trepidation. After all, why would they be interested in a leading lady MILF who makes constant science-fiction references on one of the funniest shows on television? Silly. (NOTE: Earlier in the week the Rotten Tomatoes score for Baby Mama was at 90% - 9 out of 10 of those "early reviews" that Universal hoped to avoid by inviting the onliners were positive. Since then, as we get closer to print, the score has dipped to 57% with 8 of the last 11 posted reviews negative. Good call, Universal.)
So, despite having (at least) three confirmed screenings in the Chicagoland area in public theaters with more than enough space to accommodate the membership, more than half of the CFCA were relegated to a screening the night before. And not just online critics. Print and radio were also reduced to this treatment while only a handful of select media were invited as early as April 8 and some were invited to all three (including the 10th & the 17th.) 60 members of the CFCA and, give or take, a third were invited to anything allowing a review before their deadlines. This is the same studio that screened Forgetting Sarah Marshall at least three times before its opening in the city as well and no one, to my knowledge, was left on the chopping block; a film which got Universal its best reviews of the year - including multiple CFCA members who said it was the funniest movie they had seen so far this year. (I don't know if its the funniest ever, Mr. Roeper, so let's scale it back a little - but very funny nevertheless.)
Speaking of chopping blocks, the reason for this lengthy introduction is so we can congratulate Universal for getting precisely what they wanted. Few CFCA members would be so bold as to speak out loud such ostentatious prose for a studio to plaster on the film ads. But WGN Radio’s Dean Richards has let it all hang out and called Baby Mama:
"The freshest, funniest comedy of the year."
WOW! Fresh AND funny? That combo has never been utilized together in film before; and certainly never mentioned here on Criticwatch as the mark of the unintelligible blurb whore. I’m sorry, but this is more embarrassment than anything else. One of Windy City’s own who has done little, if anything, to support the organization, when asked, stays in Universal’s favor by either speaking or e-mailing those words to one of their representatives looking for a reaction to the screening that about two-thirds of his colleagues were denied. How does one sit down to write those words? Is that an honest reaction? Having not seen the film, I cannot attest to how funny it may very well be. But exactly how fresh is it, four months removed from a year known frequently referred to as the “year of the pregnancy.” Does Knocked Up, Waitress and Juno ring a bell? Baby Mama is about as “fresh” as a Maury Povich episode. But maybe it IS the funniest comedy of the year, but how would I know as I stand with my CFCA brothers and sisters who weren’t invited. Besides, I have it on good authority from Shawn Edwards that Drillbit Taylor was “the freshest and funniest comedy in a long time.” Good company, Dean.
"Careless Misquoting”
Much of the time from the mainstream media we hear of interviewees complaining how their comments were taken out of context and didn’t reflect their true thoughts. Sometimes its true. Other times its just a smokescreen to cover up a huge gaffe while misplaced outrage travels the airwaves for three days or so. With film critics it’s a little different. Roger Ebert, more than most critics, frequently found a negative review of his translated into positive adjectives by the studio trying to sell their movies in a | |
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